Impact of moving a 3 year old overseas without Dad

Presenting problem

A 3 year old was referred to gain insight into the potential impact of moving overseas with the mother, leaving the father behind in the country of origin. It was made clear that my role as a psychologist was not to decide whether the 3 year old should go overseas, but rather to provide a psychological perspective so parents could make an informed decision about their family’s future. The child’s parents had separated amicably one year ago.

Research

A literature search was carried out to look at the impacts upon children moving overseas. It felt appropriate to look into the impact of divorce/separation as well as an overseas relocation because they both involve a loss, whether that includes the loss of how life used to be, or the loss of not being able to see a main caregiver regularly.

What does the research say about the impact of divorce?

Several common themes have emerged in the divorce literature:

• The immediate aftermath of parental divorce is often a period of emotional distress for both parents and children (Hetherington, 1993; Hetherington & Elmore, 2003). Sometimes emotional problems including anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, and resentment, may be temporarily evidenced (e.g., Amato, 2000; Hetherington & Elmore, 2003; Wallerstein, 1986, 1987, 1989).
• As the family adjusts to the post-divorce situation, parenting ability generally improves with time, thereby improving the overall family dynamic (Hetherington & Elmore, 2003; Richards & Schmiege, 1993).
• Children can sometimes develop behavioural problems following their parents’ divorce/separation, such as aggression, non-compliance, delinquency, low academic performance, and low self-control (e.g., Hetherington, 1993; Hetherington, Bridges, & Insabella, 1998; Hetherington & Elmore, 2003; Wallerstein 1986, 1987, 1989). Although this will depend upon the protective factors afforded to the child.

What are the protective factors?

The healthy adjustment of children, therefore, is contingent upon the existence of protective factors, including:

• Cooperative parenting (Hetherington & Elmore, 2003; Lowery, 1985; Sorenson & Goldman, 1990; Wallerstein, 1991; Warshak, 1992).
• Meaningful relationships with parental figures (e.g., Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 2000; Kelly & Lamb, 2003; Wallerstein, 1991a).
• Stable social supports within the home (e.g., Hetherington & Elmore, 2003; Jameson, Ehrenberg, & Hunter, 1997; Wallerstein, 1989, 1991).
• Positive community environments (Hetherington, 1989; Hetherington, 1993; Hetherington et al., 1993; O’Connor, Hetherington, & Reiss, 1998; Rutter, 1979).

Resilience

Resilience is a key factor in a child’s ability to adapt to the separation and divorce of their parents and research has placed attention on positive factors that will enhance children’s resiliency and decrease maladaptive and negative outcomes (Chen and George, 2005).

Children’s resilience can be developed and cultivated by the positive action of the adults, and by the reduction of risk factors (Pedro-Carroll, 2005). Factors that support children's adjustment include parental cooperation (Whiteside, 2000), parents' adjustment and mental health (Kelly, 2000), stable financial circumstances (Amato, 2000), and a supportive social and familial safety net (Buchanan, Maccoby, and Dornbusch, 1996).

Attachment theory

According to attachment theory, children need continued interaction with parental figures to form meaningful emotional relationships, which have considerable impact on a child’s long-term development.

What is a secure attachment?

Children who are positively attached are confident in the responsiveness of their parents’ care, and are able to explore their world knowing the parent is available when needed (DeHart, Sroufe, & Cooper, 2000). Such relationships are promoted through periods of interaction whereby feelings of closeness result in stronger emotional involvements between parent and child (Furstenberg & Nord, 1985). The formation of parent-child attachment, however, is considerably dependent upon the child’s age and stage of development.

After 2 years of age

• Children may engage in meaningful communication with parental figures and refer to internalized images when caregivers are absent (Kelly & Lamb, 2003).      
• Older children tolerate more extended separations with less stress than younger children, provided meaningful contact is regularly maintained (Maccoby et al., 1993).
• Short-term visitation with the father does not harm attachment relationships with the mother (Bray, 1991).

The research suggests that early emotional bonds have considerable impact on subsequent social adjustment, regardless of whether the child lives in a single or two-parent home.

Why are paternal relationships so important?

Fatherly involvement is strongly correlated with children’s psychological and behavioural adjustment in the short and long term (Pruett, Williams, Insabella, & Little, 2003; Rohner & Veneziano, 2001). Active involvement by fathers in their children’s lives fosters positive psychological development by helping protect against:

•  Social withdrawal
•  Aggression
•  Conduct problems
•  Anxiety
•  Depression (Rohner & Veneziano, 2001)

In addition to the buffering influence fathers may have on their young and adolescent children (Amato & Rivera, 1999), paternal involvement offers unique benefits to children that only a positive father-child relationship may provide. Such important fatherly contributions include:

•  Academic achievement
•  Higher self-esteem
•  Improved socialization (Amato & Gilbreth, 1999)

It is important to note, however, that only those fathers who actively engage meaningfully in their children’s live exert a positive developmental influence (Amato & Gilbreth, 1999).

Impact of Parental Absence

Research indicates that children who do not see their parents on a frequent or regular basis may feel intensely disconnected and rejected (Emery, 2004; Grief, 1997; Wallerstein, 1987), which increases these children’s risk for developing a variety of psychological and behavioural problems following divorce (Hetherington et al., 1998; Kelly & Lamb, 2000; Ross, Roberts, & Scott, 1998b; Whiteside & Becker, 2000).

How do children of different ages respond to parental absence?

• Infants may cry, fuss, or pull away once reunited with an absent parent, while toddlers may demand more personal attention by exhibiting clinging or regressive behaviour (Anasuri, 2001)
• Older children are more likely to feel guilty or anxious about their parent’s absence, perhaps angry that the parent has been away while at the same time afraid that the parent will never return (Anasuri, 2001)
• Teenagers may tend to pull away from the absent parent, preferring to spend time with friends, or may challenge that parent’s authority and limits (Anasuri, 2001)

However, it is the quality rather than the frequency of contact that is considered most important (Hetherington et al., 1998). A study conducted by Maccoby et al. (1993) confirms this assertion, indicating that while closeness with a parent depends upon face-to-face interaction (Hetherington & Stanley-Hagan, 2000; Warshak, 1992), “even a fairly small amount of contact [appears] sufficient to maintain close relationships” (p. 32).

How can the impact be reduced?

Parents need to plan for maintaining relationships with their children in light of potential relocation (Weissman, 1994), including how to engage meaningfully with their child through:

•     Telephone/Skype calls
•      E-mail
•      Hand-written letters
•      Pictures
•      Audio and video recordings
•      Send postcards from a smart phone using apps like: http://www.touchnote.com/

Absent parents may also stay in touch with their children by:

• Sending token presents that say, “I’m thinking of you”
• Completing crafts that are sent back and forth
• Engaging in a distance ritual at the same time, such as reading a book over the phone
• Anything that brings parent and child closer together on an emotional level.

How a child responds to parental separation also depends on the at-home parent’s response to the situation (Anasuri, 2001). If the residential parent is eager to assist both parent and child maintain active involvement with each other, relocation may be a more viable option. If, however, the custodial parent is hesitant to facilitate, it may be far more difficult to assume meaningful contact would continue following a change of geographic residence, and thus more difficult to recommend that moving is in the child’s best interests.

Families needs to think about:

• How important is this move to the parents?
• Are there pros as well as cons for the child?
• How can the child maintain a relationship with parent, family left at home?
• What is the child's personality like; in particular how do they cope with change?

Clinical summary

Relocating with children is stressful and invariably involves an adjustment. However, in cases where there are no extenuating circumstances, most children who relocate do well after an initial transition. In fact, more often than not, moving becomes an opportunity for growth rather than a burden once the original adjustment is made. 

For families where parents are separated or divorced, however, relocation can be traumatic for both child and parents. The loss involved in moving always is profound when it means losing not only extended family but also a parent. The two main questions that parents need to consider are 1) how can we minimising the disturbance to the child and 2) is this relocation in the child’s best interest? Ultimately the decision needs to be made by parents themselves but it is hoped that the above information can help to inform their decision making process.

References

Contact me for full reference list – it’s too long for a blog.